Existential dilemma #142: Success

Breaking from the norm, this is a quasi-serious post. You've been notified. For those that know me, this isn't that big of a shock; I get slammed with bouts of inner-reflection/ponderance/doubt/sadness, etc. quite periodically (the problem number is purely arbitrary fyi).

Anywho, my sister came home yesterday with her new yearbook in tow (those non-collegiate students are still sadly in school). I glanced it over, and I got to thinking (as I usually do). What about? My own personal success and impact on this world.

See, I started to ponder if I'm on the right track, or that I'm not squandering my gifts and talents. Looking back at high school (and life in general), or rather the point where I entered college, I [in the present] thought about all my options. Not to sound arrogant or cocky, but I was an exceptional student, and it's not just that I knew what to do to get an "A," I KNEW my stuff. I was tempted to go into any field; teaching, science (aerospace engineering, scientist, etc), law system (FBI, lawyer, judge, etc.), medicine, politics even (well, not really...but it was a thought). Heck, I even saw a route in the military.

To compound things, I also got to thinking about whether I could have "done more" or "been more involved." Or even just tried harder. I know people who have been exposed to great opportunities due to their interest and passion in a particular cause/interest, and I wonder if I somehow could achieve (or could have achieved) something like that too.

Now of course, I already thought of other factors/points related this. For example, I still have my whole life ahead of me. I don't want to "peak"too early and then live a life of obscurity. While everyone says that the college days are the best years of your life (which I agree with in someways), there has to be more to life than just a small 4 or 5 year slot.

That said, other things also came up. On the one hand, I took into account my financial situation. It's obvious that I miss out on some stuff because neither me nor my family has the money to do it. I don't begrudge rich people at all, and I do realize that there's more to life than cash. But still, the thought of financial security gnaws at me.

And one can't discount the people factor. Do I want fame? Maybe. I do care about what people think, and use/ask for others' opinions. Why? Well, I think they see something I can't. Or rather, I need to see myself through someone else's lense to learn something about myself. Yet at the same time, I also realize that most of the time, it doesn't matter what other people think. I've told that to numerous people who struggle with their own questions, and I do truely believe it. It's my own weakness [vanity] that causes me to slip.

Building on that, and begining to answer my own question I guess, people seem to generally think I'm doing alright. Going back to high school days, when discussing the future with classmates, they said they could see me as a teacher, or successful in whatever I did. AND nobody hated me; lots of compliments on the personality (again, not going on an ego-trip).

So the big, overarching topic is "will the path I'm forging now lead to fame and fortune? Will I be remembered in history books or the hearts of men? Does it matter which one?" Not surprisingly, the answer lies in theology; striving to be like Christ is all that matters and only in Christ can salvation be gained. The tough part, and my own problem, is keeping that in mind.

Wow, deep stuff. I think. To me at least. I didn't really plan this post out; there may or may not be edits. I may even delete it (too personal perhaps, poorly written most likely, etc). Yeah, that's all.