I stole these from somewhere long ago, but I haven't posted them yet. Enjoy.
30 Facts About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
3. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
12. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
13. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
16. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course,
to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate
of the actors he fights.
17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat(ernity)party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit
on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
19. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
21. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to
death by Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
23. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
24. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of
viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
25. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
26. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
29. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks
them in the face.
30. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
